“We experience dream as real because it is real…”

William Dement

“Those were vivid nightmares. In there, I was usually being tied up with rusty police-like handcuffs to the bed that was covered with dirty bloodstained sheet. Strange, stroking smell of anesthetic drugs dominated the moldy air like you used to smell in abandoned basement. I remembered, there was always sound of constant dropping water…not…not smoothing ones as the spring, but it was such sound from leaking tap, which could drive you to silent insanity.”

Tes…

Tes…

Tes…

Suddenly, the dropping water sound came alive. I looked around Dr. Karan’s office to find its damned source. No wastafel. No leaking freaking tap. So where did those maddening sound come from?

Those maddening sounds came again. I tried to shut my ears tightly with my hands. Dr.Karan, my dear little shrink, noticed my sudden insanity and asked me warily. “Maya, are you okay?” Of course I am not, you smarty-pants shrink. I wished I could yell those words to her. But my mouth was locked by weak super ego that I had, the remnants of civilization in me.

Therefore, instead yelling out loud at her, I could only nod my head and continued my story as if nothing was happened. Yes, nothing was happened besides my hectic imagination ruled over.

“Then he came along…” I whimpered, mostly by memory of his vivid-like appearance in my nightmares. “Who?” Asked Dr.Karan. I looked around as if he would come anytime, “I called him…The Demon, with his…reddish eyed and pale half naked body, he always had sort of reeking putrid stink that reminding me with…dead fish.”

I closed my nose, I was freaking afraid that it would come alive like the maddening sound of leaking tap. I, and Dr.Karan too, were waiting in silence. She raised her left eyebrow. I assumed she was in total confusion.

“And then…” She asked with artificial patient tone, typically very shrink. But I knew, or guessed that she was growing little bit impatient toward me.

I waited for a moment, smelled the air. There was no sign of that putrid smell; I could only smell sweet scent of incense that she burned earlier. When I was sure that the stink would come alive, I continued my story.

“He…he.” I felt some choking feeling in my upper throat when I tried to mention about him. My sweat rushed like fountain. I couldn’t continue to depict his appearance, too disgusting, too frightening as if he could touch me in this safe immaculate office. “I am sorry, doc. I felt like I couldn’t continue it.” I begged her. I need Robert now. I need him. I need him. Now.

She watched me for a while. “He’ll come in few seconds.” She said as if she could read my mind. Yeah right, she’s shrink anyway. “Oh…” I just gasped in relax; hoping it wouldn’t be too long. Then, as her premonition, Robert came in and sat besides me in the comfortable couch of Dr.Karan, typical thing in shrink’s office.

He said nothing but held my hand to comfort me, as he always did. His arrival created such relaxing feeling, almost erasing my crazy nerves. I looked at his perfect face that reminded me with statue from golden age of ancient Greek, his deep brown eyes, his beautiful soft lips, and his bronze messy hair that I always loved to stroke intensively. He was shining, covering me with his warmth. My Apollo.

I loved to be like this forever, but every shrink seemed having particular way to send you back down to Earth.

“Since Roberts is already here, you can continue your story. I think it will release your burden if you share with us.” She said calmly. I was ready to break any war with her when Robert, as if he realized growing bad temper that I had toward Dr.Karan, kissed my lips to calm me down. His warmth kiss released sort of happiness to me, as if he was my personal morphine. Whose need any anesthetic while he was here with me now?

“You have to continue your story right now.” She warned me.

I reluctantly started, “He…he came at me, with…with his crooked smile. Then he laughed…with his psychopath-like laughter that reminding me with hellish creature. He laughed wide enough until I could see his toothless mouth and smelled his rancid breath.”

I stopped my story and felt like someone had punched my stomach. I really wanted to throw up but I didn’t want to do that here, in front of my Robert, what would he think about me later?

Then suddenly, it came from nowhere…

Tes…

Tes…

Tes…

My limp went weak and I felt like almost faint but Dr. Karan, whether she was superficially calm or truly idiot, was looking at me patiently as if nothing happened. I knew that I wouldn’t get any courage from looking at her. So I shifted to Robert. He still sat silently and said nothing but holding my hand tighter. His face grew paler as if someone had slowly drain blood from his face. I wanted to yell but no sound came out from my open mouth. Then, My Apollo slowly altered to be…The Demon, who barked out loud to me,

“Maya, it’s time”

Suddenly I was there, in my nightmare, being handcuffed to the bed. The moldy air reined as well the insane-driving sound from leaking tap. But those were less threatening than him, with his crooked Gollum-like smile, stood half-naked few meter from the bed. I tried to yell but I had no power, like he had entirely drained it from me.

I knew he could see my fear and enjoyed it like such of nasty foreplay. Despite I knew it was only nightmare, I begged him with my eyes, and poorly hoping that he wouldn’t hurt me. He read my eyes, “O…relax Maya, I promise it wont be such hurt.” Then he grabbed something from dusty drawer, an injection.

I looked at him and injection in his hands frantically. His crooked smile got wider when he shot a full ampul on it. I only could watch it helplessly as I noticed strong smell of drugs intertwined with the moldy air. He came to me while raising injection in his left hand to show it to me.

“Don’t….” I tried to let out my voice.

“Please don’t…” I begged him again, with almost murmur sound.

“It wont be hurt, Maya, believe me, you will enjoy it like before.” He whispered it to my ear while stroking my hair. The smell of putrid dead fish triumphed in the air. Then he rubbed my right tight, with his filthy wrinkled hand. “Don’t…please.” I pleaded when his tongue licked my ear, leaving his filthy saliva around it.

“O…please I want to wake up. This is not reality. It is only nightmare.” I pleaded to myself. He grinned again while rubbing my tight. Suddenly, he struck the injection on my tight cruelly. I shouted out loud when the rush pain struck my tight.

“DOOOOOOOOOONTTTTTTTTTT………..”

I rose from my chair and noticed that all single eyes in class, including Her Highness So Called Smarty Pants Professor, Dr.Karan, were looking at me confusedly. I looked around and realized that instead of being handcuffed to the bed with psycho maniac, I was in the middle of general lecture, not dangerous one but seemed boring enough to knock me asleep.

I sat slowly, while those eyes were watching me as if I was sort of alleged criminal. Now I realized why the nightmare struck me, it was sort of Karma for fallen asleep in the middle of class.

I heard sort of giggling next me. “I knew it was boring but you didn’t have t declare it publicly.” I turned my head to see the origin of sound; it was Robert. I sighed, “I knew, I already got my Karma.” I looked the whiteboard to see theme of her lecture; there was written boldly, SKEPTICISM.

I felt like invisible person had kicked my stomach. Dr.Karan had already mentioned in early semester that Skepticism would be the main subject of final test. And I was asleep in the middle of her lecture. I was safe from mortal danger but my GPA wouldn’t make it so.

Robert noticed my anxiety and caressed my hands to calm me down. “So, what I left while I slept? Did I left much enough?” I asked him warily. He shook his head, “Not pretty much actually, we just finished the discussion about early skepticism in ancient Greek. We just started to move to Descartes when you yelled out.” I exhaled long, deep breath that I held so long; at least I didn’t lose everything.

I turned my attention to Dr.Karan, she seemed able to put herself back easily after my yelling incident. She continued her lecture,

“In his Meditations of First Philosophy, Descartes simply refuses to believe old foundation of knowledge and tries to construct new one. Despite the old ones still has a few truths inside of it; he says it will be unnecessary and endless task to examine one by one since he has destructed its very foundation. He begins his revolution by destructing the reliability of sense. Previous philosophers—including Plato, argued that we perceive things by or through sense. For instance, we cant surely identify an object as cheese before seeing, smelling, touching, and tasting it. As conclusion, we entirely depend on our senses. Nevertheless, Descartes says that we can’t longer depend on our senses since they can be very deceptive. He illustrates that in dream, he was dressed and seated near the fire but actually he was lying undressed in bed. Those previous things were never really happen and he was just being tricked by his mind. It leads him to greater conclusion that maybe, he is never really awake and everything is his life is nothing but dream. Everything that he had done was nothing but delusion of mind.”

“I refute it thus.” Samuel Johnson suddenly rose from his chair. Dr. Karan as well entire class and me was shocked by his anguish. Bishop Berkeley, who sat three chair next him, calmly said, “Pray Mr. Johnson, it is not immaterialism. Skepticism is simply being skeptic about everything. In other hand, immaterialism stands in its point strongly. ‘He then who entertains no doubt concerning some particular point, with regard to that point cannot be thought a sceptic.¹”

Samuel Johnson sat silently. After he was looked able to calm himself, Dr. Karan continued her lecture, “Descartes assumes that there must be sort of evil genius whom deceiving him. He considers himself like a captive who realized that his liberty is only imaginary then fears to awaken and prefers to live in the deception.”

Her lecture raised such tinkling feeling in my stomach. Suddenly I asked a super silly question to myself,

“Do I really awake?”

“What if something or someone has deceived me all this long time?”

I turned to Robert and noticed that he was there. I could smell his fresh woodsy scent triumphing on air around me. I touched him and felt his warmth spreading to my hands. He was felt very alive, very real.

“Whatever I have accepted until now as most true has come to me through my senses. But occasionally I have found that they have deceived me, and it is unwise to trust completely those who have deceived us even once.”²

I turned my head from Robert to the origin of sound and realized that it was Descartes himself whom speaking. “So, if I couldn’t believe my own senses, what is certain thing that I can believe?” I asked him confusedly. Instead answering my question, he gave me another good for nothing trivia; “I can do nothing else, until I have learned for certain that there is nothing in the world that is certain.³”

I felt such angst rushed to my brain. I didn’t know why, suddenly I wanted nothing but proving whether I was really awake or not. An idea rushed to my head, Descartes might consider his senses as deceivers but what if I just had to test my senses harder, or little bit repulsive. I searched around and found a small cutter next me. I felt little bit shivered with my own idea but I had no alternative. With all brave that I had, I stabbed cutter to my tight.

ARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH…

Instead of being waked up, I was plunged to my nightmare. The Demon stood next bed; his left hand was holding a knife that was smeared by blood. I didn’t need second to guess that it was my blood since I felt unbearable pain in my tight. He grinned, “I am sorry Maya, I tried to behave nicely but as you know, it is not fun anyway.”

“Please…don’t hurt me, please…” I pleaded him. He returned it with another nasty grin, “Ooo…I was never in any intention to hurt you but as you know, I simply couldn’t hold myself. It was felt…nice” After saying that, he stabbed it again to my left hand. “DON’T…” I yelled out in agony. He laughed out loud for my agony, claiming his superiority above me. “O Maya, how excruciatingly fun it is.” He rejoiced it by dancing back and forth.

Thus, he grabbed another injection in the drawer, explicitly showed it to while grinning wider. I simply didn’t want to notice when he injected a shoot to my vein.

Empty

Dark

Maybe it was better like this.

Forever.

A light suddenly popped up from nowhere. I didn’t want to follow but I couldn’t help myself when it struck me out.

The excruciating light was still striking my eyes. I tried to reject it and ran back to darkness when a familiar voice shouted my name nervously, “Maya…Maya, are you okay?” I opened my eyes. Initially, I could barely see anything but all dim and unidentified objects. But after I could adjust my eyes, I realized that I was lying in Dr. Karan’s immaculate office.

She examined me carefully then popped question to me with her professional steady tone, “Okay Maya, what do you feel right now, dizzy, sort of disoriented feeling?” I took a deep breath, “Sort of combination from everything that you mentioned.” She smiled at me, “It was okay, and most of my patients felt that too after such session.”

While trying to erase my disorientation, I looked around her office and realized that she was truly hard spiritualist. You could find any symbols of religions standing side by side with pagan ones in her office, creating such eclectic bizarre shrine’s atmosphere.

Suddenly my attention was drawn to a little statue of a dancing Indian woman with circle around her. “What is that?” I pointed to the statue. She turned to see and was looked very interested while explaining it to me, “That is Maya.” Suddenly her queer interest on spiritualism attracted me and I couldn’t resist myself to ask her, “Maya…is that same with name?”

She nodded her head while handing that statue to me, “Yes, like your name.” I looked at the statue on my hand while stroking the circle around her. “Could you explain about this Maya to me?” Asked me.

She smiled again then explained it to me, “In Hindu Mythology, Maya is sort of prime deity who creates and controls phantasmagoria, such as illusion or dream. She can either blind or release us with her veil of delusion. Maya has several forms and one that you hold in your hand is her form as Durga. It is said that one day, all gods and goddesses in heaven were powerless against a demon named Mahisasura. In order to defeat him, they called Durga for help and combined their powers to make her undefeatable. After ferocious battle with Mahisasura and his army, she eventually defeated him and restored peace.”

There was nothing but silence; I was still in awe. We were both named Maya but we had nothing in common. She could defeat Mahisasura, Demon that couldn’t be defeated by any gods and goddesses. In the other hand, The Demon from my nightmare chased me.

I held the statue, such strong emotion, a combination of strength, bravery, and any other feelings that I could name, rushed in my veins. “I want to be like her, I want to defeat him, The Demon in my dream.” I whispered my wish to Dr. Karan, not because I was afraid with The Demon, like I used to. In the other hand, it was because I was really intended to commit my wish.

“Yes, you could. You are Maya.”

“How? I am not as strong as her.”

“You are strong, you just haven’t realize it.”

“What should I realize before?”

“Everything…like Maya, you are the only one who can either blind or release us from delusion.”

“What delusion?”

“Delusion?” She stopped a while to think then continued her words, “Everything…”

I echoed her word, “Everything…” I looked at the statue in my hand, rounded circle around Dancing Durga. “Delusion…everything…everything…delusion.” I tried rhyming those words like a song then sang it, “Everything…delusion…delusion.” She continued it, “everything.” I stopped singing the rhyme. For a while, I was struck by the truth from those rhyming words.

Everything…is….delusion. The veil was opened.

Suddenly Robert came from darkness of Dr. Karan’s office as if he was already there long time before. “Don’t believe that, there is no delusion at all.” Said he while drawing himself near me. Then he kissed my lips and swelled his warmth, “Did you feel it? It is real, isn’t it?”

“But you can’t believe you own senses, since they were all deceivers, creating false senses of reality.” Argued Dr. Karan, half-mimicking Descartes. “So, do you think I am such delusion?” Asked Robert. I looked at Robert, carefully examining his perfect God-like carved face, his beautiful lips, his bronze messy hair, his shine. He was very perfect, like a god. I murmured unconsciously, “My Apollo.” You are too perfect, you are too god.

I shoved my head from him then sang the rhyme again, “Everything…delusion…delusion…everything.” Then I turned my head again to Robert while continued the rhyme reluctantly, “delusion…you.” I felt a drop of tears in my eyes, sorrow in my chest and stomach. You are too god to be true.

The veil was opened.

Robert was stoned. “My Apollo…” I hissed while his face slowly faded like everything around me. Dr. Karan still sat calmly in her couch; she smiled while fading away to darkness. I thanked to her before she was absolutely fading away.

Empty

Dark

Solemn

Alone

I rested a while before I noticed a dim light in front of me. I decided to follow to its source.

No Robert.

No Dr. Karan.

I was alone, but not in empty space of solemn. I was in my nightmare. I could smell the moldy air of basement as well strong scent of anesthetic drugs around my body. The constant waster dropping sound from leaking tap conjoined in this dreadful silent atmosphere. I waited warily; there was no sign from The Demon.

Nevertheless, I was still handcuffed to the bed; my body was smeared with blood taint and dreadfully weak. I cried without any tears coming out from my eyes, The Demon had already drained it up from my body. I was alone, helpless. I wished I were die. It would be easier.

Let me die.

“You are Maya”

Out of the blue, I could hear her words, strengthening me from inside.

“I am Maya…” I whispered it to myself, trying to draw together my scattered strength to my hands. I was called up when no gods or goddesses could defeat Mahisasura.

“I am Maya…” I said clearly while escaping my hands from rusty handcuff. I was the combination from all gods and goddesses’ powers. “I am Maya…” I shrieked again when it got my hands bleeding and unleashed unbearable pain in me. I am unassailable. “I am Maya…”I whispered, not because giving up but rejoicing the victory after I could able to entirely release my hands from handcuff.

I rested a while before rose up from bed. I could feel my body trembling in the combination of fear and joy. I took a glance of a poster of familiar handsome young man, which was placed next the desk. Sunshine peeked from sealing and shone it brightly. On it, there were words that printed boldly, Robert P__. I smiled while murmuring ironically, “My Apollo. You are too god too be true.” Then I ran as fast as my tremble feet could to the stairs where the door was situated above it.

I pushed myself to step on the stairs with remnants of strength that I had. When I had reached the door, I felt I couldn’t move an inch more. Blood was still rushing from my hands and made them limb. “I am Maya.” I reminded myself. I tried to forget the pains and made believe to myself that it was only in my minds. The Deceivers. Then I opened the door. Sun shone brightly, stroking my sensitive eyes. Wind blew hard and cold around my body. I was shocked, but it wasn’t because those natural things.

The Demon stood a meter or two from me, half-naked and grinned as if he was already waiting me there. My heart raced harder. “Well done Maya, I appreciated your efforts. But remember, you can never defeat me,” He warned me with his devilish, Gollum-like grin. “Don’t make it harder for yourself. You knew, I am not a forgiven one.”

My feet got numb. My eyes got watery. I looked down, dared not to see his face, dared not to move, dared not to remember every repulsive action that he had done to me, dared not to imagine what would he do to me next.

He recognized my fear. Then he continued to mentally intimidate me, clarifying my subordinate position from him, “You are helpless, alone.”

I was almost giving up to him when I heard a whisper in my head,

“You are Maya”

Strength rushed to my veins. I feared no longer. Instead of approving his words and pleading for mercy, I raised my head and grinned him back, “You are wrong, I am Maya.”

I defeated Mahisasura, alone.